You Substantiate Our Horror

Beloved minions,

I have noticed over the last 10 years or so a the development of a disturbing trend amongst my people. It has become apparent that some of my brothers (and to a lesser extent sisters) in Queerdom are starting to believe in that stain on humankind - equality.

This ridiculous notion which has seized some of the slower homosexual minds (more often than not those that were trained in "accountancy" and allied "professions") is best summed up by the continuing debate over gay marriage.

It seems that my comrades in the United States of a Miracle have been indulging themselves in a foolish exchange on this issue with the hated breeder majority. I say to them, "Stop!" It is merely an attempt by the enemy to divert our collective attention from the pressing issues we face. Poverty, disease, violence and class oppression are the matters we should be engaged in resolving. We should not waste our time arguing that two blokes and a cocker-spaniel constitute a family.

Here in Australia we have resolved this matter neatly. Commonwealth law was amended been amended to ensure that the detestable institution of property called marriage is restricted to breeder filth. Being queer is not about slavishly aping the bizarre rituals of the the lesser section of the species. It is about being freed from such bonds. It is about forming our relationships on new terms in which we respect and honour ourselves, our lovers and our people in general not bind ourselves and our love to property. Frankly, seeing two dykes debase themselves and their kind at a "civil union" ceremony makes me sick.

All forms of marriage should be abolished. It is very simple. In this way we can protect the Queer principles and break the legacy of privilege that has been built up by the heterosexist elite.

At this point I must say that until recently even I, your fabulous correspondent, was duped into supporting this marriage rubbish albeit reluctantly. In another place I said things suggesting that we should have the same legal rights as hets. Fortunately a Wise Old Queer took me aside and gently disabused me of this notion with the immortal words "Don't join the fuckwits darling - remember the Principles". I was suitably chastened and enlightened and I withdraw those ill chosen and misguided comments.

However brothers and sisters, gay marriage is merely a symptom of the deeper malaise with which we struggle. Now that my ideological purity is restored I would like to turn my attention to the growing dominance of the moderate "lesbigay" traitors.

Comrades, I grow increasingly weary of visiting our public haunts only to find them populated with mindless legions of twinks, clones and the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy audience and hearing them chattering endlessly about investment portfolios, designer trousers and that delightful little terrace in Surry Hills.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a rant against being a mincing faggot, quite the contrary. I have no problem with the swishes, nancy bois and fairies. I have more than a large streak of the sissyfag in me. I walk with a graceful gait and have the well enunciated tones of the modern homo. In my opinion the more fey and limp wristed you are the better.

No, what I'm angry about is the moderate "lesbigays" who seem to think that the fight has ended simply because they can watch endless repeats of Will and Grace in the comfort and treacherous privacy of their "McMansions".

I'm sorry but just because you're young, dumb and full of cum and you've told mummy that you like sucking cock doesn't mean you've made a meaningful contribution to your people.

However, as usual Matty the Damned has your salvation at hand. It's my job to tell you how fucked you are but I have a corresponding responsibility to give you the solution too. The following was first published around ten years ago, but it is relevant today. Without further delay I give you:

Chipper's Guide to Being a Gay Man in the 90's

1. Act Straight.

2. Go to the Gym twice a week. Alternatively, buy a Soloflex. Restrict exercises exclusively to those which build upper body muscle tone.

3. If you're circumcised, get your dick fixed.

4. Date only men who look as good as you. This will encourage others to aspire to your high standards.

5. Lie about your age if you are over 23 years old.

6. Purchase Calvin Klein underwear and wear it often.

7. Consider a body waxing.

8. Buy records and tapes by artists who are rumoured to be gay, but haven't come out. Share the rumours with your gay friends to spice up conversation on social occasions. Also, buy Donna Sommer records.

9. Purchase exclusively those fashion, entertainment, alcohol, tobacco, and travel-related products which are advertised or featured in the pages of "Out", "10 Percent", "Genre", "The Advocate" and similar publications. Avoid contact with persons not doing likewise.

10. When on the receiving end of a homophobic epithet or hate-speech, such as "All Fucking Faggots Should Die!", ignore the perpetrator, and act as though you didn't hear it.

11. Observe the AIDS crisis carefully. Avoid giving lesbigays a bad image by participating in an embarrassing protest against governmental or commercial neglect of the health crisis. Wear a red ribbon instead, as it is far more dignified, and doesn't risk giving lesbigays a bad image. If you get AIDS you needn't increase your participation in such activism. Why bother if you're going to die soon anyway? If you are HIV-, pepper your conversation with references to the friends you know sick or dead from AIDS, to draw attention to your red ribbon.

12. Tell your boss you are gay only after proving to her/him you are a valuable employee.

13. Don't come out of the closet until you have a mastery of guidelines #1-12.

14. Load a .57 Magnum with one bullet, point it at your face, and pull the trigger.

I trust I've made myself clear.

IN SOLIDARITY

MtD